President Palin is addressing a press conference in the White House press room this hour, to explain her unbroken string of vetoes on every piece of legislation to pass the congress. The press room is staffed with reporters from the nation’s better known and internationally respected balanced news organizations which are known for their accuracy and total lack of bias: Citizens United, Conservative Voice, Drudge Report, Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, GOPUSA, Hannity & Colmes, Human Events Online, MensNewsDaily.com, National Review, NewsMax, Patriotist, RightMarch.com, Right Wing News, Rush Limbaugh, Town Hall, Washington Times, and the Weekly Standard. Also present are members of Focus on the Family, the National Rifle Association, the John Birch Society, and the Westboro Baptist Church.
The doors to the press room are closed and guarded by elite Delta Force special forces personnel, and president Palin enters the room and walks to the podium.
Palin: Good morning. I have a brief opening statement. I had moose omelets for breakfast. They were yummy!
I will now take your questions in the order they were submitted and approved by my very loyal and very patriotic staff.
Press: Madam president, you just vetoed the fourth bill in a row on health care reform to reach your desk. Can you tell us why?
Palin: Absolutely. Just like the previous three, this bill is still too expensive and for what? Mandating a public warning about a health hazard?? I mean, how many times do I have to tell those socialist-liberal-communist democrats who control the congress that sending Americans a stupid, big-government-interference warning about the need to avoid drinking their tap water, just because of a “few” stray (and unsubstantiated by the good folks at the American Nuclear Power Plant Consortium, I might add) radioactive chemicals leaking into the national water supply allegedly from the 200 new nuclear power plants I approved last year is a waste of money?
After all, it’s a well known fact that a little radioactivity is actually good for you. I mean, com’n! I jog all the time with my radio-active on my arm to keep me company. And look how healthy I am!! So, golly-gee and what the heck, what’s the problem? And by the way, contracting building and running those plants in a mere 7 months to China was a huge money savings for the American nuclear industry. over an American company taking 10 years to build them. How come we’re not getting credit for THAT?
Press: The congress also passed a bill to regulate the financial markets so that a repeat of the 2007-2009 recession can’t be repeated, but you vetoed that as well. Can you explain your reasoning?
Palin: Absolutely. The answer is that I haven’t the first damn clue…about why those socialist-liberal-communist democrats who control the congress even bothered. Let’s face it: Freedom isn’t free. It costs money. In America, that means dollars. Not cents. Just Dollars. Lots and lots of dollars. And who’s gonna make those dollars? The big corporations and the very rich, that who! They invest their dollars in America just as the colonials invested their slaves against all our enemies during the war of independence, the war of 18-whatever, and the war against the North. And how do you ensure the continued profitability of those corporations and folks? By allowing them to be FREE to make their profits! After all, isn’t that why it’s called the FREE market????
Those socialist-liberal-communist democrats who control the congress just want to hurt those patriotic money-makers, so that America will fail and then they can have the Soviets come in and take us over. And don’t tell me the Soviets are gone because I can see them walking on their beaches from my home state of Alaska.
And about that so-called recession: America was incredibly prosperous until the socialist-liberal-communist democrats took over congress in 2007. And the recession started in 2007, right? See? It’s so clear! The socialist-liberal-communist democrats taking over caused that recession! Think about it!
Press: The war in Afghanistan is now in its 8th year and more Americans than ever are dying there, while Al Qaeda seems to grow stronger and bolder every day. What do you intend to do about that?
Palin: Al Qaeda in Afghanistan is coming from “Al Qaeda in Iraq”, the same folks who helped Saddam Hussein plan 911. And we would have defeated them and their internal base of operations at the joint Al Qaeda/Iraqi Nuclear stockpile facility had we had, say, 500,000 troops in Iraq to start with. Now, I know this is the first time you’ve heard of that facility, but we know from a reassessment of the original 2002-2003 intelligence on Iraq that the facility exists and Al Qaeda is using it to train their operatives and suicide bombers. We just have to find it, bomb it, and interrogate everyone within 50 miles of it with enhanced techniques to find out what Al Qaeda’s up to.
So we’re going to start building up our troop level in Iraq again, because we know the USA has the “chutzpah” to find and destroy that base, even if it takes us 100 years. And besides, there’s a lot more oil in Iraq than Afghanistan. So it stands to reason (I love saying that, don’cha know) that Iraq is where the money is. Oh, yeah, and victory, too.
White House Press Secretary Hermann Goebbels III: Thank you, Madam President Supreme Commander of the Earth.
Folks, this ends our press conference for today. Thank you for listening quietly and please check all recording devices at the door so the nice men from the CIA can check them for germs. If you’re a minority member, please stay in your seat until the nice agents determine how you got in here.